| You're in New York and I'm in Las Vegas. |
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| I no longer want to stay in Los Angeles The dilemma I'm facing is practicallity vs. happyness w/ financial struggle. Practicallity is steering me to Las Vegas. Going back to school, getting my degree and living in a house all to myself with a job. Happyness is steering me to New York. To live and follow my love to live and to work for one of the most bangin' companies on earth... as a Hostess. Decisions decisions. |
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| and never will be men... although for some reason I keep thinking that one day I'll be proven wrong. |
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| I have a boatload of Italian men chasing after me, and the one person I'm chasing doesn't want me.
... I'll have another double greyhound with belvedere.
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| Dearest Andy,
I know how much your parents absolutely didn't want to name you Andrew because they didn't want anyone calling you "Andy."
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for never coming clean with you when I should have. I'm sorry for even telling you how much I actually was in love with you the first time I laid my eyes on you.
You are absolutely a perfect mess in my eyes. Just as fucked up as I was. And I still need you, want you, desire you.
I'm even more sorry for never taking advantage of that second chance I had with you the day before my birthday last November to tell you about what really happened.
I never meant to hurt you... or to be another notch on my belt. No. You meant more to me than that, more that anyone. You still do. It's been almost five months now and I still carry such a heavy heart for what I did and for what I didn't tell you when I had the opportunity to. Every time I hear Heartless, my heart just drops to my stomach and I'm just tearing up on my way to work.
I just didn't want to lose you. I didn't want you to leave me. Your beautiful brown eyes and your smile were enough for me. Your kisses that I never thought I could have you. That night you left with me and went to the Roosevelt was the absolute best night I'd had of 2008. I go to sleep and replay that night over and over again.
Everything and everyone decided to pull you away from me. Your friends, your thoughts... all I want is for you to be happy now.
I deserved what was coming to me. What I don't understand is why I defend you and still want you after you never were a true friend to me. You never asked me what happened or what the truth was. You just believed what everyone else told you.
Come back to me Andy, come back to me. I miss you... more than you could ever know.
So many questions left unanswered. I love you Andy. With every drop of me. I love you.
And although I've carried nothing but sorrow on the thought of you, this pain I feel I would not trade anything for, because that night was the happiest I ever was than I can remember. That night was worth every single day of pain because I know now that you somewhat felt the same way. Or at least I'd like to think so.
I'll continue to write you love letters because I never properly ever said goodbye.
One day, I hope I'll have the courage to tell you how I feel for you and that I'm sorry. But running into you @ bars and other places just scares me, and I'd rather just leave and feel this forever. It made me realize that I should appreciate moments more... because you'll never know when you'll lose them.
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